Discipling Betrayal and unforgiveness


Who can remember the 4 basic needs? – Love, Acceptance, Taken care of, Protection.

The love of our Father toward each of us is very deep. He loves us to distraction, more than we can imagine or accept, His Love is so different from all we know in this world. The nearest expression we can go to or experience is romantic love of man, but that has agendas attached and His Love doesn’t. So He reveals His Love to many in terms of romantic love so they begin to understand the power of His feelings of Love. There is a place of revelation where He takes us into His deep powerful unselfish love and then we understand even if only in part. This must come by revelation, but we can understand the power of our Dad’s love for us if we compare it to the abandon of romantic love.

There is only one person who can give the 4 basic needs without betrayal. God our Father.

Betrayal can wash straight over you or be felt deeply. At the point of betrayal, a person can feel like their standing place has been suddenly removed and they are not sure where they stand for a bit. They feel uncertain of who they are and the deeper the wound, the longer it takes to begin to feel normal again. 

Q. What are some types of betrayal you can think of?
King David was wise and protected himself from betrayal as much as possible. When the men of Benjamin and Judah sought out David in the wilderness, the question he asked them was, “If you have come to me in peace, to help me, my heart shall be knit to you. But if you come to betray me to my enemies, since there is no wrong in my hands, let the God of our fathers look on it and rebuke it. (1 Chronicles 12:16-17, MKJV).

David knew the power and hurt of betrayal, and he guarded against it as much as possible. Jesus warned there would be “many offended, and shall betray one another” (Matthew 24:10). The keeping of promises and confidences is very necessary if we do not want to be guilty of wounding our friends. Christian ministries are restricted, and even wrecked, as a result of betrayal.
Betrayal is always caused by failed trust. So don’t trust in man and wean others off unrealistic trust. People have a tendency to look for someone they can trust, and I think that is part of our hunger for God, the only one who can be fully trusted.
It can be a difficult thing to work through, especially a betrayal of confidence. To be betrayed means “to disclose a secret or confidence treacherously; to break a promise, or be disloyal to a person’s trust; to disappoint the expectations of” (Collins).

Betrayal affects everyone.

 Leaders are hurt by it just as much as followers. There are 4 common sources of betrayal. 

  • Breaking a confidence, 
  • breaking a promise, 
  • setting someone up to fail and 
  • false expectations.
The last one is the trickiest. We will carry expectations that have never been brought into the light of discussion and then feel betrayed when they appear to fail. If we do not talk this through with someone and arrive at the truth the hurt can grow until we are poisoned thoroughly by it and carry a root of bitterness. That betrayal can “manifest” itself in people getting involved in a ministry already in operation, but the expectation they have never talked through is their own personal agenda which can be very different to the vision and purpose of that ministry. The results of that can be numbers of people wounded in the “fall-out” not just leaders.

William Blake said “It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend”. Generally for betrayal to happen there has to be trust in place first. Unfortunately some people hold trust lightly because they carry some sort of “fear of man” wound and loyalty breaks when they come under pressure. So betrayal can come from trusting in man too much. 

We are limited and more frail than we like to believe.Jesus gave us really good relationship advice that limits betrayal and the wounds of it. He tells His disciples to expect betrayal and to always forgive. He says it is healthy to live life expecting to forgive and by limiting how much to trust others.Spiritual gifts are useful as when we “know” or “read” what is in a person we limit trust. 

Everyone betrays others. Consciously or unconsciously, willingly or unwillingly it happens. It is a fact of life and when we realise that, we are not taken down low by it.  


  •  Bring a reset using their speaking out forgiveness, speaking out the promises vision and purposes of their life. 
  • Encourage to forgive but not trust. Forgiveness does not mean trust.Note:- Unforgiveness goes with it and betrayal seems to allow anger demons to attach themselves. So you may need a multi pronged approach to this.


Withholding forgiveness from those who have disappointed and hurt us will “lock our spirit into” its condition of wounding. We cannot heal if we do not release the hurt to God. 2 Corinthians 2:1-11 teaches us that if we do not forgive those who have caused us harm, Satan will take advantage of us. 

Forgiveness is for our sake not the one we forgive. No matter how much someone has wounded us, we need to come to a place of being able to release forgiveness to that person. If we do not forgive, then we will be the one who pays the highest price. We cannot afford to let anyone destroy us (because we cannot, or will not, forgive) and therefore cannot heal from the original damage caused. “A crushed spirit who can bear?” (Proverbs 18:14, NIV).

Often the person struggles and cannot forgive so lead the person into asking for Jesus ability to forgive, agreeing with them and wait a moment to see what happens. Ask them what’s happening on the inside if there's nothing visible and if nothing is happening ask Holy Spirit to show you the block, or show them. Wait for Him to work for a few moments, then move on it.